I couldn’t stop ugly crying with an egg pack on my hair. We were getting late to go to the AIA carnival and all the fun we had planned for our Saturday. But this realization hit me like a brick.
I am someone who assesses her life a lot. Because for as long as I have remembered, I always felt that this isn’t it. I have always known it in my gut that I am meant for something bigger.
I am someone who gets passionate about many things. Which is why finding a niche has been such a dance, and it has been a dance that I refuse to indulge in anymore. Because I am constantly evolving as I should, and if that doesn’t live up to an algorithm’s expectation, then so be it.
I have been fortunate to have a spouse who entertains all of these discussions and meltdowns of mine with utmost patience and care. I have a mother who is always there to listen to me gripe about some or the other existential or menial crisis. I also have a select few friends with whom I can discuss some aspects of what I am going through. But the one person I never sit with is myself.
So this Saturday, when I took out my planning board and wrote down all the things I want to do, it came down to five things. I have six months to figure this out before I sign a new contract. A friend I met on Friday, who has been on a similar crossroad for a while now, told me how I am preordaining a full-time job as a death sentence just because I had a toxic experience in the previous one. That was a reality check for me to stop dwelling on the past subconsciously.
My husband asked me a question: "If you were to pick just one thing out of all of these things to do in addition to your full-time job, what would it be? What’s something you don’t mind doing even when you are tired or in a bad mood?" This has been his way of finding out what one is passionate about. I took a while to answer this question. So he simplified the question by asking me to rank each of them. One being the thing you want to do the most and five being the least.
So the number one thing for me in that ranking was something that came effortlessly to me, something I have always told people since I was in grad school. None other than the obvious… WRITING A BOOK!
He looked at me quizzically and said, "I see you working on all the other four things except this one." To which I said, "This comes easily to me, so…." And then I felt a lump in my throat pregnant with a truth I couldn’t ignore anymore. He was visibly concerned, thinking what he had done wrong. He kept asking me, "Did I say something wrong, what happened?" After a few minutes of sobbing that seemed like an eternity, I stuttered, "What if I fail at the one thing I know for sure that I am good at? What is left of my identity then?"
When I said these words aloud for the first time, it sank in—why I have always put this off for all this time. Because if they screwed me over at work, I would be hurt but not broken because that is just one part of my identity that I commit to for financial stability. If my art doesn’t sell, it’s for reasons out of my control because that’s a medium of expression I indulge in when I feel inspired. But writing is the one thing I have done since childhood, when I felt visceral about my childhood, when I had my first heartbreak, when I felt lost in my 20s, or when I was finding myself in my 30s.
It’s the one thing that comes easily to me all the time. Give me a page, and I will fill it up. I have been known to weave words into the most vivid tapestries. That’s the last straw to my identity and how I accept myself. The fear of failing in that is what is making me put it off all this while. Because even if I fail at all the other things, I know I still have my writing.
I am sure many of you reading this are also lying to yourself in many ways. I hope this article encourages you to face that truth and make it a living reality.
I’ll leave you with a line that my husband said, “You might regret not doing something you are good at because you are scared of acceptance.” And I knew once I accept this, I am truly ready to speak my truth in a book. This is to say that I am writing the book that I am meant to, and you are my alibi. I hope you will come along with me on this journey. It’s going to be a long one and the one that is going to test my mettle. And I could use all your support as we all uncover our truest inner flame and fan it to make it the best experience of our existence!
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